Who is God? This question has been on my heart for the last year, only recently have I been man enough to explore it. You see, a question like that should not be thought of by a guy like me. Let me explain where I come from. I have been in the Church since birth. I asked Jesus into my heart at an unusual young age. I memorized more Scripture by the time I was in high school than what many veteran Christians would like to think they know. I didn’t curse, drink, or smoke. I never had the guts to steal, imagine what they would do with me if I got caught. The Ten Commandments were my life’s manual. Sin was something only sinners did, and that wasn’t me. I was a good Christian boy, and I have the trophies on a shelf in my bedroom to prove it. So why is a “good Christian boy” like me asking such an unthinkable question? The reason is simple. It’s because God is way bigger than I ever thought. The God of my youth is no longer my God.

                 I have a confession. My name is Matt, and I am a recovering legalist. My recovery has been a troubling, heart wrenching process. Who I once thought was God was merely a mistaken image of my wretched heart. I formed him with my good deeded hands. I bowed down to him with my self-righteous offerings. I worshiped him from heart who thought “I hope he sees how good I am”. The fear of the Lord was only fear of what the Lord would do if he knew who I truly was. My god was unpredictable, inconsistent, like a loose cannon that could explode his judgment at any moment. He was an impersonal cosmic force. This god I had graven was the god of a legalist who failed to grasp the True God. I did things for God, and never with him. I never truly understood the gospel. Reason being, I never needed it. Why would I need it when I already had my ticket to heaven? This god that I had formed was terrifying; I was constantly trying to receiver favor from him in any way form. I knew Jesus came to earth and died on tree. I knew that Jesus loved me, or at least that He loved me when I was doing what He wanted. I did not know the God of the Bible.

                It would be easy to sit here and point fingers at why I had such a misconfigured view of God. And going off of my theme of confession, that’s typically what I would do. But I have decided to take a different path. I’m going to open the new door that reads “God is sovereign”. My legalism is a part of my life story for a reason. I mean who would read a blog entitled “Confessions of Guy Who Always Understood God’s Grace”. That sounds boring. Instead now that I am approaching my 20’s, I get to enter into “adult hood” with a new understanding of God. And that my friend is glorious! I once lived a life full of guilt and shame. I was fearful, had low self esteem and a suicidal level of self-hatred. But instead, I get to enter this transition of my life with the God of the gospel of grace. This God did the unimaginable; he did something unlike all other gods and world religion. He became the way for us to be reconciled to Him. He showed mercy, love and kindness. He wrapped His Son in our skin. He wept for milk as an infant, craved food as an adult, He tasted earth’s sweet wine. He became like us. He walked and talked. He got rocks in His shoes, slept under the stars He placed in the sky. This Son of God was perfect without sin and the only one who could pay our debt. He sweated blood at night, was whipped and spat on. He hung on the cross and while enduring this great anguish He whispered forgiveness for us all. The cross is the emblem of God’s reckless Grace. And now I invite you to take this journey of my discovery of God’s inconceivable Grace with me. As I journal what God has done and continues to do in my life, I ask that you participate with me. This blog will be the confessions of a recovering legalist. Please be encouraged to dialogue with me. I would love to hear your story.